TOP SECRET: Federal Agent’s Gaming Habits Create Most Successful Cover-up Yet

FROM: Mike P.
TO: Barry R.
SUBJECT: RE: Jenkins’ Latest Social Media Situation
DATE: February 18, 2025

Barry,

You’re not going to believe this. Remember how Jenkins keeps a personal Google Map of his “rare spawn locations” for Pokémon Go? He accidentally posted it to his “definitely not a fed” conspiracy theory account instead of his gaming profile. Now #AlienHotspots is trending on TikTok.

Teenagers are showing up at his Snorlax hunting spots with EMF readers and night vision goggles.

-Mike

FROM: Barry R.
TO: Mike P.
SUBJECT: Re: RE: Jenkins’ Latest Social Media Situation
DATE: February 18, 2025

Mike,

Of course they are. I just reviewed the locations. The “mysterious energy vortex” they’re investigating behind the Walmart? That’s where Jenkins caught his shiny Mewtwo. The “suspected landing site” in the park? Pokéstop with consistent Pikachu spawns.

The real kicker? Three of these locations actually ARE former contact sites. Jenkins just happens to hunt Pokémon in geomagnetically anomalous areas. His Pikachu radar is better than our equipment.

Should we be concerned?

-Barry

FROM: Mike P.
TO: Barry R.
SUBJECT: Re: Re: RE: Jenkins’ Latest Social Media Situation
DATE: February 18, 2025

Barry,

It gets better. A Popular Science reporter mapped all the coordinates and found they form a pattern. Jenkins was just following his walking egg-hatching route, but they’re calling it “clear evidence of a planned alien highway system.”

The History Channel called. They want Jenkins’ TikTok persona to host a special about “The Pokémon-Alien Connection: What They Don’t Want You To Know.”

Also, he’s now insisting his Pikachu onesie helps him “sense the electromagnetic disturbances.” And honestly? His track record is better than our million-dollar detection system.

Do we:
A) Shut this down
B) Let Jenkins lead our site detection program
C) Finally admit that Pokémon Go might be alien technology

-Mike

FROM: Barry R.
TO: Mike P.
SUBJECT: Re: Re: Re: RE: Jenkins’ Latest Social Media Situation
DATE: February 18, 2025

Mike,

You forgot option D: Classify Pokémon Go as a government research tool and write off Jenkins’ gaming expenses as “specialized equipment testing.”

The Pentagon already approved his request for a “tactical grade” Charizard costume. Apparently, someone showed them his accuracy rates.

By the way, that teenager who decoded our Christmas party photos? She’s now convinced the real conspiracy is that we’re using Pokémon Go to hide alien sites in plain sight. She’s… technically correct? This is getting meta.

Jenkins wants to know if we’ll approve overtime for his upcoming “research” at the rumored Mewtwo raid this weekend.

I can’t believe this is my job.

-Barry