You know they’re talking… but what are they saying?

FROM: Barry R. TO: Mike P. SUBJECT: RE: Jenkins’ Backyard “Water Feature” Project DATE: February 25, 2025

Mike,

It’s happened again. Jenkins bought a house with a backyard and decided he needed a pool. Not just any pool – a “Pokémon-themed aquatic training facility.” Instead of hiring just any pool company, he specifically sought out these Toledo pool builders because, and I quote, “They understand the importance of proper habitat construction.”

He didn’t tell them he works for us. He told them he’s a “Pokémon researcher specializing in water types” and needed a pool designed for “optimal aquatic specimen observation.”

The owner personally came out for the consultation.

-Barry

FROM: Mike P. TO: Barry R. SUBJECT: Re: RE: Jenkins’ Backyard “Water Feature” Project DATE: February 25, 2025

Barry,

I’ve reviewed the pool design proposal. Jenkins requested a “natural habitat replication” with specific lighting to “monitor nocturnal behaviors.” The pool has seven different depth zones and something called a “quantum filtration system” that Jenkins sketched himself.

The owner of Glass City Pools, Danny Phalen, wrote in his assessment: “In my 25 years with Toledo Pool Builders, I’ve never encountered such a scientifically rigorous approach to residential pool design. Mr. Jenkins’ specifications for water composition and electromagnetic field considerations are beyond typical residential requirements, but we’re excited to pioneer what he calls ‘the future of aquatic habitats.'”

Phalen has already shared Jenkins’ concepts with his design team, calling it “revolutionary thinking in residential water features.”

Should we intervene?

-Mike

FROM: Barry R. TO: Mike P. SUBJECT: Re: Re: RE: Jenkins’ Backyard “Water Feature” Project DATE: February 25, 2025

Mike,

Too late. Jenkins invited Phalen to his home to “demonstrate the prototype.” Apparently, he’s converted his bathtub into what he calls a “miniature version” of the pool design, complete with modified electronics that are definitely pulled from our lab.

Phalen was impressed enough to bring his entire construction team for a demonstration. According to Jenkins’ excited call, Phalen said: “This level of water ionization and electromagnetic stabilization would revolutionize the pool industry. We at Glass City Pools have always pushed the boundaries of what Toledo pool builders can achieve, but this is beyond cutting-edge.”

The team took detailed notes and photographs, which Jenkins proudly reports will be featured in their next client presentation.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how classified was that bathtub setup?

-Barry

FROM: Mike P. TO: Barry R. SUBJECT: Re: Re: Re: RE: Jenkins’ Backyard “Water Feature” Project DATE: February 25, 2025

Barry,

That bathtub contains components from the quantum stabilization prototype. So on a scale of 1 to 10, I’d rate it somewhere around “congressional hearing.”

It gets worse. Glass City Pools has added a new section to their website called “Innovative Habitat Solutions” featuring concepts “inspired by scientific research.” The diagrams are simplified versions of our quantum field generators.

Danny Phalen gave an interview to Home & Garden Magazine where he stated: “Working with specialists like Jenkins has opened our eyes to the future of pool design. At Glass City Pools, we’ve always led Toledo pool builders in innovation, but this collaboration pushes us into entirely new territory where pools become living ecosystems with advanced monitoring capabilities.”

The article describes how the “revolutionary designs incorporate subtle electromagnetic fields to enhance water purity and create optimal conditions for aquatic life” – which is basically our classified alien containment protocol reworded for residential use.

Jenkins has been invited to be a keynote speaker at the National Pool Builders Association conference. His topic? “Water-Type Habitats: Lessons from Pokémon Research for Modern Pool Design.”

-Mike

FROM: Barry R. TO: Mike P. SUBJECT: Re: Re: Re: Re: RE: Jenkins’ Backyard “Water Feature” Project DATE: February 25, 2025

Mike,

Construction began today. I drove by to assess the situation. There are SEVEN trucks from Glass City Pools parked outside Jenkins’ house. Danny Phalen is personally supervising what he’s calling their “most scientifically advanced residential project to date.”

I managed to see the excavation. They’re installing a pool that’s shaped exactly like the containment chamber from Facility 7, complete with the specialized alcoves we use for specimen observation.

Jenkins gave Phalen a tour of his “research materials” – his Pokémon card collection – explaining how each water-type Pokémon requires specific “habitat conditions.” Phalen was taking detailed notes and comparing them to what appear to be scientific journals.

I overheard Phalen tell his team: “This is why I got into this business. Most Toledo pool builders just dig holes and fill them with water, but at Glass City Pools, we’re literally building the future of aquatic research right here in suburban Ohio.”

The most alarming development: Jenkins has installed a miniature version of our portal stabilizer beside the pool filter system. He’s calling it an “advanced ionization system,” but it’s clearly designed to create the same quantum field we use for interdimensional containment.

The geological survey team noticed unusual readings in the area this morning and flagged it for investigation. At this rate, we’ll have three different government agencies converging on Jenkins’ backyard by tomorrow.

Do we: A) Classify Glass City Pools and all of Toledo’s pool builders immediately B) Buy Jenkins’ house and convert it to an official research annex C) Just accept that half our classified technology will soon be available as “premium pool features” across the Midwest

-Barry

FROM: Mike P. TO: Barry R. SUBJECT: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: RE: Jenkins’ Backyard “Water Feature” Project DATE: February 25, 2025

Barry,

The situation has reached its inevitable conclusion. The “ionization system” Jenkins installed activated during the test filling this afternoon. According to preliminary reports, it created a localized quantum field exactly as designed.

Danny Phalen is now giving interviews about Glass City Pools’ “groundbreaking achievement in pool technology.” Direct quote: “As the leading innovators among Toledo pool builders, we’ve always pushed the envelope, but this collaboration with research scientist Jenkins has produced what can only be described as the world’s first biomagnetically enhanced aquatic environment. The water literally glows with a purity never before achieved in residential applications.”

The glow, of course, is quantum radiation.

Three fish Jenkins placed in the pool for testing have developed what he excitedly describes as “evolutionary adaptations” (they’re now floating upside down and appear to be slightly translucent).

The good news? The containment field is working perfectly. The bad news? Glass City Pools has already pre-sold twelve similar “Quantum Aquatic Systems” to clients across the Midwest.

Jenkins has applied for a patent on the “Pokémon-Inspired Biomagnetic Habitat System” with Danny Phalen as co-inventor. The patent application includes detailed drawings of what is unmistakably our interdimensional containment technology.

I’ve dispatched a cleanup team. I recommend Options B and C simultaneously.

Also, Jenkins wants to know if the department will cover his next water bill. Apparently, quantum-enhanced water features use a lot of electricity.

-Mike

FROM: Barry R. TO: Mike P. SUBJECT: RE: Jenkins’ Home Inspection Situation DATE: February 23, 2025

Mike,

We have a new situation. Jenkins decided to sell his condo and had a home inspection scheduled today. Nobody thought to check his home for classified materials first.

The inspector found what he described as an “unusual power consumption setup” in the spare bedroom. It was Jenkins’ homemade “Pokémon habitat” – which is actually a small-scale replica of our quantum stabilization chamber.

The inspector also noted “concerning radiation readings” from Jenkins’ collection of “rare stones” (samples from the Nevada site).

The inspector has already filed his report with three different regulatory agencies.

-Barry

FROM: Mike P. TO: Barry R. SUBJECT: Re: RE: Jenkins’ Home Inspection Situation DATE: February 23, 2025

Barry,

I’ve reviewed the home inspection report. The inspector described Jenkins’ setup as “the most elaborate gaming room I’ve ever encountered, with unexplained power draws and unusual electromagnetic readings.”

He flagged Jenkins’ modified electrical system as a “potential code violation,” noting that the breaker box had been “customized with cartoon character stickers” and rewired to “support what appears to be experimental equipment.”

There’s an entire section titled “Unexplained Basement Features” with photos of what is clearly a miniature version of Containment Room 7.

The inspector recommended a “specialized technological assessment” before proceeding with the sale.

-Mike

FROM: Barry R. TO: Mike P. SUBJECT: Re: Re: RE: Jenkins’ Home Inspection Situation DATE: February 23, 2025

Mike,

Jenkins just called the inspector to explain the “unusual features.” He told him it was all part of an “immersive Pokémon gaming setup” and invited him to join his “raid group.”

The inspector was apparently so impressed that he’s now asking Jenkins to help design a similar setup for his son’s birthday.

Jenkins agreed and has scheduled a “consultation” for next week.

The home inspection company’s blog now features a post titled “Beyond Man Caves: When Gaming Enthusiasts Push Residential Engineering to New Frontiers,” with Jenkins’ condo as the primary example.

Should we be concerned about this?

-Barry

FROM: Mike P. TO: Barry R. SUBJECT: Re: Re: Re: RE: Jenkins’ Home Inspection Situation DATE: February 23, 2025

Barry,

The situation has escalated. The home inspection company president is now promoting their “Advanced Technology Home Assessment” service, specifically designed for “gaming enthusiasts with custom setups.”

Their promotional materials include a testimonial from a “government research scientist” about the importance of “proper inspection protocols for immersive gaming environments.”

The inspector has started a TikTok series called “Weirdest Home Features,” with Jenkins’ condo as episode one. It already has 2 million views.

Jenkins is thrilled with the publicity and has asked if he can expense his upcoming electrical upgrades as “public outreach.”

The most concerning part? Three defense contractors have reached out to the inspection company about consulting opportunities after seeing the “innovative cooling solutions for high-density computing.”

I think we need to buy Jenkins’ condo ourselves and classify it as a research annex.

-Mike

FROM: Barry R. TO: Mike P. SUBJECT: RE: Infestation Situation – Pest Control Called DATE: February 22, 2025

Mike,

We have yet another containment situation. Jenkins reported “unusual activity” in the quantum research wing. Turns out it was just mice, but he’d already called Pest Control Mt. Airy before anyone could stop him.

Their technician arrived before we could initiate lockdown protocols. Jenkins told him the mice were “probably interdimensional Rattatas” and gave him a tour of the “Pokémon habitat” (our containment facility).

The technician now knows about Portal Chamber 7.

-Barry

FROM: Mike P. TO: Barry R. SUBJECT: Re: RE: Infestation Situation – Pest Control Called DATE: February 22, 2025

Barry,

It gets worse. The Pest Control Mt. Airy spokesman is now on morning television talking about their “specialized service options for government facilities with unique pest challenges.”

Direct quote: “Whether you’re dealing with common house mice or, as we recently encountered, what one enthusiastic government scientist described as ‘interdimensional Rattatas,’ Pest Control Mt. Airy has environmentally-friendly solutions.”

They’ve added a new service tier called “Legendary Pest Management” with a silhouette of what appears to be our quantum stabilizer on their website.

Jenkins gave the technician his business card and told him to “call if you encounter any shiny variants.”

-Mike

FROM: Barry R. TO: Mike P. SUBJECT: Re: Re: RE: Infestation Situation – Pest Control Called DATE: February 22, 2025

Mike,

The pest control technician submitted a detailed report to his supervisor describing the “unusual electromagnetic properties” of our facility’s mice. He noted they seemed to “phase in and out of visible spectrum” (they were running under the quantum fluctuation detector).

Their blog now features an article titled “5 Signs Your Home Might Have Interdimensional Pests,” which includes “unusual electrical disturbances” and “pets staring at empty spaces.” It’s gotten 50,000 shares.

Jenkins has been invited to write a guest post about “proper containment strategies for exotic species.”

The only upside? Their treatments actually worked. No mice in the facility now.

-Barry

FROM: Mike P. TO: Barry R. SUBJECT: Re: Re: Re: RE: Infestation Situation – Pest Control Called DATE: February 22, 2025

Barry,

Breaking update: Pest Control Mt. Airy’s CEO just announced their new government contracts division during a press conference. Their spokesperson proudly described their “specialized team trained in handling unique government facility requirements, including anomalous pest behaviors.”

They’re rolling out new technician uniforms that look suspiciously like Pokémon trainer outfits. Their equipment has been renamed to “Master Traps” and “Ultra Repellent.”

Three other agencies have already signed contracts with them based on our “glowing recommendation” (Jenkins wrote a review on Yelp).

Most concerning development: their technician noted in his report that the mice had “unusual radiation signatures.” Our lab confirmed they were indeed slightly affected by the quantum field. Pest Control Mt. Airy is now requesting samples for “further research into improved containment methods.”

Should we: A) Classify Pest Control Mt. Airy in its entirety B) Hire them permanently C) Let Jenkins handle their “research division”

Just once, I’d like to get through a week without having to classify a civilian contractor.

-Mike

FROM: Barry R.
TO: Mike P.
SUBJECT: RE: FIRST CONTACT INCIDENT – JENKINS INVOLVED
DATE: February 21, 2025

Mike,

The rumors are true. We’ve made official first contact with the Zeta Reticuli visitors. It happened at 0400 hours in the Nevada facility. Jenkins was there because he was tracking a “rare spawn” on his app.

When the portal opened, Jenkins immediately threw a real Pokéball at the alien representative. To everyone’s shock, the alien CAUGHT IT, examined it, and threw it back.

Jenkins interpreted this as “the universal greeting ritual” and proceeded to show them his Pokémon card collection. The aliens were fascinated.

Linguistics team is still working on translation, but the aliens seem to understand Jenkins perfectly.

This cannot be happening.

-Barry

FROM: Mike P.
TO: Barry R.
SUBJECT: Re: RE: FIRST CONTACT INCIDENT – JENKINS INVOLVED
DATE: February 21, 2025

Barry,

Update from the ongoing first contact. Jenkins showed the aliens his Pikachu onesie, and they became very excited. They produced what appears to be their own version of a similar costume.

The cultural anthropologists are theorizing this could be:
1) A remarkable case of convergent cultural evolution
2) Evidence they’ve been monitoring our broadcasts
3) Confirmation of Jenkins’ theory that “Pokémon transcends dimensions”

Dr. Chen from xenobiology thinks their exoskeleton patterns naturally resemble Pokémon. Jenkins is calling them “real-life Deoxys” and they seem pleased with the comparison.

They’ve requested Jenkins as the primary liaison. God help us.

-Mike

FROM: Barry R.
TO: Mike P.
SUBJECT: Re: Re: RE: FIRST CONTACT INCIDENT – JENKINS INVOLVED
DATE: February 21, 2025

Mike,

The translation matrix just decoded their language. Their first official message to humanity: “We have observed your battles. We wish to trade knowledge and energy specimens.”

Jenkins interpreted this as a request for a Pokémon card trade and GAVE THEM HIS HOLOGRAPHIC CHARIZARD.

They presented him with what appears to be a small crystalline device in return. Our lab confirms it’s an advanced quantum energy storage unit with the potential to revolutionize our power grid.

Jenkins has named it “a real-life Master Ball” and is thrilled with the trade.

The Secretary of Defense just called. Jenkins has been formally appointed as “Interspecies Relations Coordinator.” His official portrait shows him in the Pikachu onesie.

I need stronger medication.

-Barry

FROM: Mike P.
TO: Barry R.
SUBJECT: Re: Re: Re: RE: FIRST CONTACT INCIDENT – JENKINS INVOLVED
DATE: February 21, 2025

Barry,

The aliens departed this morning after establishing a permanent communication relay. Their parting message: “We look forward to more trades with the small yellow electric one.”

Jenkins is now drafting the first interspecies peace treaty. He’s calling it “The Pokémon League Intergalactic Charter.” Key provisions include regular “trading sessions” and “battle tournaments” which our diplomats believe refer to knowledge exchange and military exercises.

The UN Security Council has unanimously approved it.

The President wants to know if Jenkins is available for a Medal of Freedom ceremony next Tuesday. Jenkins asked if he can wear his “formal Pikachu costume” with the bowtie.

The answer, apparently, is yes.

Welcome to the future of diplomacy.

-Mike

FROM: Mike P.
TO: Barry R.
SUBJECT: RE: Jenkins at the International Security Conference
DATE: February 20, 2025

Barry,

I know you’re at the budget meeting, but we have a situation. Jenkins was supposed to attend the International Security Conference as an observer only. He is now giving the keynote address.

Apparently, the actual keynote speaker had a Pikachu pin on his lapel, and Jenkins assumed he was “part of the team” and explained our “cover story” to him in the bathroom. The speaker panicked and left.

Conference organizers, desperate to fill the slot, saw Jenkins’ credentials and assumed he was the backup speaker. He’s currently explaining his “theoretical model for secure data transfer” using Pokémon trading as an analogy.

He’s getting a standing ovation.

-Mike

FROM: Barry R.
TO: Mike P.
SUBJECT: Re: RE: Jenkins at the International Security Conference
DATE: February 20, 2025

Mike,

Just watched the livestream. Jenkins is explaining quantum encryption through Pokémon type advantages. “Just as a water-type move is super effective against fire-types, our security protocols exploit natural weaknesses in quantum wave functions.”

The Pentagon representatives are taking detailed notes.

The NSA director just texted me: “Where did you find this guy? His Pokémon battle strategy is actually a brilliant metaphor for asymmetric cryptography.”

I don’t have the heart to tell them he’s being literal.

-Barry

FROM: Mike P.
TO: Barry R.
SUBJECT: Re: Re: RE: Jenkins at the International Security Conference
DATE: February 20, 2025

Barry,

Update: Jenkins is now taking questions. Someone asked about his thoughts on emerging security threats. His answer: “Team Rocket keeps changing their approach, but their fundamental weakness is always the same.”

The audience is interpreting “Team Rocket” as a metaphor for Russian hackers.

The Chinese delegation looks concerned that we’ve cracked their latest cyberattack methods.

Three nations have already requested private consultations with him. The German representative called him “refreshingly metaphorical yet technically precise.”

He’s signing autographs as “Ash from Pallet Town.”

-Mike

FROM: Barry R.
TO: Mike P.
SUBJECT: Re: Re: Re: RE: Jenkins at the International Security Conference
DATE: February 20, 2025

Mike,

It’s official. Jenkins has been invited to join the International Cybersecurity Council. Their official statement: “His innovative approach to security paradigms through accessible gaming metaphors represents a breakthrough in cross-domain knowledge transfer.”

Jenkins is thrilled because he thinks this means he can expense his Pokémon card collection as “educational materials.”

The conference organizers want to publish his speech as a textbook. Working title: “Gotta Secure Them All: Pokémon Principles for Modern Cybersecurity.”

I’m starting to think we should let Jenkins handle all our international relations. He’s somehow more effective when he has no idea what he’s doing.

-Barry