URGENT: Pest Control Incident at Classified Facility

FROM: Barry R. TO: Mike P. SUBJECT: RE: Infestation Situation – Pest Control Called DATE: February 22, 2025

Mike,

We have yet another containment situation. Jenkins reported “unusual activity” in the quantum research wing. Turns out it was just mice, but he’d already called Pest Control Mt. Airy before anyone could stop him.

Their technician arrived before we could initiate lockdown protocols. Jenkins told him the mice were “probably interdimensional Rattatas” and gave him a tour of the “Pokémon habitat” (our containment facility).

The technician now knows about Portal Chamber 7.

-Barry

FROM: Mike P. TO: Barry R. SUBJECT: Re: RE: Infestation Situation – Pest Control Called DATE: February 22, 2025

Barry,

It gets worse. The Pest Control Mt. Airy spokesman is now on morning television talking about their “specialized service options for government facilities with unique pest challenges.”

Direct quote: “Whether you’re dealing with common house mice or, as we recently encountered, what one enthusiastic government scientist described as ‘interdimensional Rattatas,’ Pest Control Mt. Airy has environmentally-friendly solutions.”

They’ve added a new service tier called “Legendary Pest Management” with a silhouette of what appears to be our quantum stabilizer on their website.

Jenkins gave the technician his business card and told him to “call if you encounter any shiny variants.”

-Mike

FROM: Barry R. TO: Mike P. SUBJECT: Re: Re: RE: Infestation Situation – Pest Control Called DATE: February 22, 2025

Mike,

The pest control technician submitted a detailed report to his supervisor describing the “unusual electromagnetic properties” of our facility’s mice. He noted they seemed to “phase in and out of visible spectrum” (they were running under the quantum fluctuation detector).

Their blog now features an article titled “5 Signs Your Home Might Have Interdimensional Pests,” which includes “unusual electrical disturbances” and “pets staring at empty spaces.” It’s gotten 50,000 shares.

Jenkins has been invited to write a guest post about “proper containment strategies for exotic species.”

The only upside? Their treatments actually worked. No mice in the facility now.

-Barry

FROM: Mike P. TO: Barry R. SUBJECT: Re: Re: Re: RE: Infestation Situation – Pest Control Called DATE: February 22, 2025

Barry,

Breaking update: Pest Control Mt. Airy’s CEO just announced their new government contracts division during a press conference. Their spokesperson proudly described their “specialized team trained in handling unique government facility requirements, including anomalous pest behaviors.”

They’re rolling out new technician uniforms that look suspiciously like Pokémon trainer outfits. Their equipment has been renamed to “Master Traps” and “Ultra Repellent.”

Three other agencies have already signed contracts with them based on our “glowing recommendation” (Jenkins wrote a review on Yelp).

Most concerning development: their technician noted in his report that the mice had “unusual radiation signatures.” Our lab confirmed they were indeed slightly affected by the quantum field. Pest Control Mt. Airy is now requesting samples for “further research into improved containment methods.”

Should we: A) Classify Pest Control Mt. Airy in its entirety B) Hire them permanently C) Let Jenkins handle their “research division”

Just once, I’d like to get through a week without having to classify a civilian contractor.

-Mike