[CLASSIFIED] Memo: Agent Jenkins Accidentally Becomes Leading Expert in International Cybersecurity Through Pokémon Analogies

FROM: Mike P.
TO: Barry R.
SUBJECT: RE: Jenkins at the International Security Conference
DATE: February 20, 2025

Barry,

I know you’re at the budget meeting, but we have a situation. Jenkins was supposed to attend the International Security Conference as an observer only. He is now giving the keynote address.

Apparently, the actual keynote speaker had a Pikachu pin on his lapel, and Jenkins assumed he was “part of the team” and explained our “cover story” to him in the bathroom. The speaker panicked and left.

Conference organizers, desperate to fill the slot, saw Jenkins’ credentials and assumed he was the backup speaker. He’s currently explaining his “theoretical model for secure data transfer” using Pokémon trading as an analogy.

He’s getting a standing ovation.

-Mike

FROM: Barry R.
TO: Mike P.
SUBJECT: Re: RE: Jenkins at the International Security Conference
DATE: February 20, 2025

Mike,

Just watched the livestream. Jenkins is explaining quantum encryption through Pokémon type advantages. “Just as a water-type move is super effective against fire-types, our security protocols exploit natural weaknesses in quantum wave functions.”

The Pentagon representatives are taking detailed notes.

The NSA director just texted me: “Where did you find this guy? His Pokémon battle strategy is actually a brilliant metaphor for asymmetric cryptography.”

I don’t have the heart to tell them he’s being literal.

-Barry

FROM: Mike P.
TO: Barry R.
SUBJECT: Re: Re: RE: Jenkins at the International Security Conference
DATE: February 20, 2025

Barry,

Update: Jenkins is now taking questions. Someone asked about his thoughts on emerging security threats. His answer: “Team Rocket keeps changing their approach, but their fundamental weakness is always the same.”

The audience is interpreting “Team Rocket” as a metaphor for Russian hackers.

The Chinese delegation looks concerned that we’ve cracked their latest cyberattack methods.

Three nations have already requested private consultations with him. The German representative called him “refreshingly metaphorical yet technically precise.”

He’s signing autographs as “Ash from Pallet Town.”

-Mike

FROM: Barry R.
TO: Mike P.
SUBJECT: Re: Re: Re: RE: Jenkins at the International Security Conference
DATE: February 20, 2025

Mike,

It’s official. Jenkins has been invited to join the International Cybersecurity Council. Their official statement: “His innovative approach to security paradigms through accessible gaming metaphors represents a breakthrough in cross-domain knowledge transfer.”

Jenkins is thrilled because he thinks this means he can expense his Pokémon card collection as “educational materials.”

The conference organizers want to publish his speech as a textbook. Working title: “Gotta Secure Them All: Pokémon Principles for Modern Cybersecurity.”

I’m starting to think we should let Jenkins handle all our international relations. He’s somehow more effective when he has no idea what he’s doing.

-Barry