TOP SECRET: First Contact Protocol Now Officially Includes Pokémon Trading Cards and Pikachu Costumes

FROM: Barry R.
TO: Mike P.
SUBJECT: RE: FIRST CONTACT INCIDENT – JENKINS INVOLVED
DATE: February 21, 2025

Mike,

The rumors are true. We’ve made official first contact with the Zeta Reticuli visitors. It happened at 0400 hours in the Nevada facility. Jenkins was there because he was tracking a “rare spawn” on his app.

When the portal opened, Jenkins immediately threw a real Pokéball at the alien representative. To everyone’s shock, the alien CAUGHT IT, examined it, and threw it back.

Jenkins interpreted this as “the universal greeting ritual” and proceeded to show them his Pokémon card collection. The aliens were fascinated.

Linguistics team is still working on translation, but the aliens seem to understand Jenkins perfectly.

This cannot be happening.

-Barry

FROM: Mike P.
TO: Barry R.
SUBJECT: Re: RE: FIRST CONTACT INCIDENT – JENKINS INVOLVED
DATE: February 21, 2025

Barry,

Update from the ongoing first contact. Jenkins showed the aliens his Pikachu onesie, and they became very excited. They produced what appears to be their own version of a similar costume.

The cultural anthropologists are theorizing this could be:
1) A remarkable case of convergent cultural evolution
2) Evidence they’ve been monitoring our broadcasts
3) Confirmation of Jenkins’ theory that “Pokémon transcends dimensions”

Dr. Chen from xenobiology thinks their exoskeleton patterns naturally resemble Pokémon. Jenkins is calling them “real-life Deoxys” and they seem pleased with the comparison.

They’ve requested Jenkins as the primary liaison. God help us.

-Mike

FROM: Barry R.
TO: Mike P.
SUBJECT: Re: Re: RE: FIRST CONTACT INCIDENT – JENKINS INVOLVED
DATE: February 21, 2025

Mike,

The translation matrix just decoded their language. Their first official message to humanity: “We have observed your battles. We wish to trade knowledge and energy specimens.”

Jenkins interpreted this as a request for a Pokémon card trade and GAVE THEM HIS HOLOGRAPHIC CHARIZARD.

They presented him with what appears to be a small crystalline device in return. Our lab confirms it’s an advanced quantum energy storage unit with the potential to revolutionize our power grid.

Jenkins has named it “a real-life Master Ball” and is thrilled with the trade.

The Secretary of Defense just called. Jenkins has been formally appointed as “Interspecies Relations Coordinator.” His official portrait shows him in the Pikachu onesie.

I need stronger medication.

-Barry

FROM: Mike P.
TO: Barry R.
SUBJECT: Re: Re: Re: RE: FIRST CONTACT INCIDENT – JENKINS INVOLVED
DATE: February 21, 2025

Barry,

The aliens departed this morning after establishing a permanent communication relay. Their parting message: “We look forward to more trades with the small yellow electric one.”

Jenkins is now drafting the first interspecies peace treaty. He’s calling it “The Pokémon League Intergalactic Charter.” Key provisions include regular “trading sessions” and “battle tournaments” which our diplomats believe refer to knowledge exchange and military exercises.

The UN Security Council has unanimously approved it.

The President wants to know if Jenkins is available for a Medal of Freedom ceremony next Tuesday. Jenkins asked if he can wear his “formal Pikachu costume” with the bowtie.

The answer, apparently, is yes.

Welcome to the future of diplomacy.

-Mike